I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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