gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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