Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
