she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Randomize
