I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
