I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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