I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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