omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
