I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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