i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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