Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i can't believe i had my finger in that
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
