my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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