Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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