I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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