yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
