Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
MIDGETS
????
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
