I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
