he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I am naked and annoyed.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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