I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
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