tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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