Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She needs sedatives and a leash
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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