i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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