I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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