my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
