Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
