i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
