"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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