the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Randomize
