Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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