I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
