you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
