he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
