hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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