What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
