I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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