3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
