I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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