i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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