Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
