i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
