I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
