is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
