I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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