Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
