Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
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I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
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You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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