she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
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Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
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I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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