It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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