we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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