I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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