Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
