New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
