Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
