On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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