There was a lot of him and a little penis
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
