Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
