I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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