So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
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He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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