I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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