When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
