omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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