Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
