Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
