Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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